Church Hurt & The Words We Speak

The church we spent 16 years pouring ourselves into has been reeling in recent months from the scandal of a (repeated, horrific) deed committed decades ago. Since that body was home to us for so long, even though we stepped away over a year ago to move into micro-church ministry, many of our friends and acquaintances still come from our years there. This scandal has hit so many hearts personally, including ours. And the reactions are wide and varied...

Shock. Revulsion. Pain. Hatred. Triggering for people who have been victimized. Calls for healing and moving on. Judgment on others whose reactions are different.

Some people are choosing to leave what has become like a home and family to them. Others are choosing to stay, hoping for true healing to take place within the walls of this church body. Former employees are going public with hurts they experienced from this church's leadership over the years. 

Voices are many. They are loud.

Words are many. And they are jumbled and reactionary.

It seems that everyone is going through the 5 stages of grief at varying speeds: 

1. Denial - "No, surely that can't be right."
2. Anger - "They must pay! How dare they! See, no one can be trusted."
3. Bargaining - "If only they had done this differently..."
4. Depression - often a quiet place and general sense of despair and confusion
5. Acceptance - "This terrible thing happened. And it's possible to heal and move on."

I've been quietly moving through these stages myself, having only a few conversations with my husband and a few close friends. I've been intentionally slow to make any public statement - I know myself well enough to know that when my words are reactionary, stemming from my own hurting heart, they are usually unwise. And with all the vitriol floating around, wisdom is crucial at this moment.

Yes, there is a place for opening up and uncovering in order to heal (it's that intent, however, that is critical). Imagine an infected, festering boil on someone's foot. Several methods of treatment are needed. The wound must be opened so the infection can drain out. It then must be cleaned and disinfected. Additionally, some kind of antibiotics will likely be needed to work from the inside out. And finally, the patient will need to be still - not putting weight on the foot -  until it's further along in the healing process.

So, the infected words spew from all directions - those coming from hurting hearts, from triggered individuals who are reliving their own previous horrors, from people who feel deeply betrayed and those who struggle to separate the good from the bad.

In the name of "processing" it seems that, rather than opening up the wound with the intent to heal, we're feeding the infection. 

It's so easy to do. But our words hold the power of life and death.

So, as we are processing, can I challenge all of us to ask some deeper questions? (Just to be clear, in asking these, it does not take away the fact that the abuse was horrific and wrong in every respect. It cannot be justified and was a terrible tragedy for the victim as well as many others.)

• What standard do you hold for those in ministerial leadership? 
• How does our tendency to place people on thrones where only God belongs feed a Christian celebrity mindset?
• Are we able to rightly judge another person's heart to determine true repentance and change? (Particularly if we don't know them personally?)
• If someone victimizes another, does that mean they are no longer fit to be used by God, even if they repent?
• Assuming that this (former) pastor did repent before God, is it possible that one reason he didn't share details of this horrific sin from the pulpit could be in order to protect the minds of others who would then have the scene etched into their thoughts?
• Could the very "church" structure common in modern-day Westernized churches be contributing to this celebrity culture where a fallible leader has no place to confess and be healed? What might be different if our structure more closely resembled the early church? (See the book Pagan Christianity to do a deep dive on this topic.)
• When we feel betrayed by someone we don't personally know and therefore can't directly speak with and confront (like Matthew 18:15-17 outlines), how would God have us sort through our emotions and thoughts?
• How would you have preferred things to be handled? Why? And what does God say about your preferred means of justice and restoration?
• Does a terrible act like this negate any goodness, truth, or service a person gave?
• How can we hold the tension of acknowledging goodness and life received along with despising the sin and lies?

We live in a fallen world. Our hearts are naturally bent towards evil - evil thoughts, evil words, evil behaviors. Every, single person has fallen short of God's perfect standard which is why we're all so desperate for the salvation and reconnection to God that only comes from Jesus. 

If you've been hurt by this situation or you've experienced some other kind of church hurt, I beg you to pause and take your hurt to Jesus. Pour out the infection, the festering, the confusion, and the pain at His feet. Tell Him every messy, dark feeling you have. Cry out to Him your despair and your uncertainty.

And wait. Wait for the promised peace. Wait for the words of wisdom the Spirit will bring. Wait for a renewed hope to take root in your heart. 

There is also a place for life-giving counsel. If you need to process aloud with someone for the goal of healing, speak with a Christian counselor or a trusted and wise believer. 

Peace comes in the pause. When social media is overrun with pain and infection, take a pause and seek healing where it can be found.